Feeling Unheard? A Practical Guide to Conflict Resolution in Your Relationship

Are you exhausted by having the same argument over and over again? Do fights always seem to spiral out of control? Or maybe you’re holding back on sharing something that needs to be said because you’re afraid it won’t go well.

Conflict is inevitable, despite what the fairy tales may say, but it can be healthy! It’s worth developing the skills to turn difficult conversations into growth opportunities that bring you closer together. This article offers a set of tips to help you with conflict resolution in your relationship.

Setting yourself up for success going into a difficult conversation or touchy subject is essential. Before you talk to your partner, the most important work happens inside you. A successful conversation starts with a helpful internal state. 

Preparing to Talk

Tip: Resource and Regulate Yourself

A regulated nervous system is your number one ally. Regulated means calm, open, and available. Dysregulated means overwhelmed, shutdown, or reactive. If you’re feeling dysregulated, resource yourself first. You might need to eat, sleep, or drink some water – these are universal human needs. You will also have resourcing activities that you know work for you, like taking a hot shower or bath, feeling the sun on your face, taking a walk, doing some yoga …whatever it is that helps you ground, discharge emotion, and feel more embodied and present for the talk you need to have.

Tip: Consent to Talk

If you’re initiating, it’s a great idea to ask your partner if they’re available to talk now – not just physically, but emotionally as well. Are they resourced? You might say something like, “Hey, I’d really like to have a conversation about our finances. Are you available for that now? If not, can you let me know when would be a good time?”

If your partner is the one initiating the conversation and springs it on you without checking that it’s a good time, know that it’s ok to check in with your capacity. Normalize either of you being allowed to say “Thank you for bringing this up. I hear that this is important and I want to show up fully. I’m also exhausted from my workday. Can we have this talk tomorrow afternoon?” 

Tip: See That You’re on the Same Team

Before you engage, remind yourself that your partner (or friend, family member, etc.) is not your enemy. You both care for each other and likely want the same thing, right? – a peaceful, connected, secure relationship where each person’s needs are seen and met. By adopting a mindset of us against the problem instead of me against you, you shift from a battle to a collaboration. Reminding yourself of the love and care you have allows you to show up with curiosity and flexibility instead of judgment.

Tip: Notice Facts, Feelings, and Stories

Humans are really good at making meaning out of anything. And we don’t let little things like whether it’s true or not slow us down!

• My partner kept looking at his phone during dinner is a fact. 
• I felt lonely and hurt is a fact (a true feeling – see the next tip). 
• They don’t care about me is a story.
• If I say something, I’m just being needy is a story.

Our stories often send us into mental tailspins – suddenly we’re collecting evidence of all the ways our partner doesn’t care about us. This sets conversations off on the wrong foot and can make the dialogue feel like a series of attacks and defensive responses. Separating facts and feelings from stories will help your conversation be more connected and open. 

Tip: Share Your Truth, Not Theirs

Have you ever had someone say, “It’s so cold!” when you’re hot? It’s jarring because you’re being told something is true when your reality is different. And plenty of bickering has certainly begun precisely over something as mundane as the temperature. On the other hand, if someone says to you “I’m cold” or “I feel cold,” you don’t have to agree or feel the same way to want to help them feel better.

Now let’s up the ante and compare “I feel hurt that you forgot it was our anniversary” vs. “I feel like you just don’t care anymore.” Imagine being on the receiving end of each of these sentences. What do you notice? I’m guessing the first version inspires softness and empathy while the second brings on defensiveness, justification, and argument.

A good sign that you’re sharing your feelings is if the words “I feel…” are immediately followed by naming a feeling or sensation, rather than the words “like you” or “that you.” Another telltale sign is that you’ll probably feel more vulnerable – it’s a lot easier to be angry than to ask to be met!

Tip: Connect With Your Intentions

Why do you want to have this conversation in the first place? Connecting with what’s important to you – like being open, honest, courageous, self-advocating, or a loving partner – will ground you in why you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you. This is especially important if you’re experiencing any self-doubt, worry, or fear that’s making it difficult to begin the conversation.

Tip: Design Your Opening Line

You don’t need a perfect script, just a gentle beginning. A great opening invites your partner into a dialogue. Use this template: “I’d like to talk about [The Topic] because [Your Feeling/Observation], and my hope is that we can [A Hope for How You’ll Talk Together].” 

For example, “I’d like to talk about dinner last night because I felt lonely and disconnected. I hope we can share what we each experienced and I’d like to feel closer to you. Is this a good time to talk?”

Your Investment in Connection

The steps you’ve just read – regulating yourself, seeing your stories, connecting with your intention, and orienting to what you want to say – will help you start the conversation on the right foot and set the stage for an outcome that’s reparative and connective. 

Once you’re in the dialogue, the work shifts to staying present and connected. You can keep returning to principles in this article, especially around noticing your stories and sharing how you feel. And if one or both of you start to feel dysregulated, normalize taking a pause to resource and ground. You can even do this together, such as pausing dialogue to take a few deeper breaths with each other.

This article gives you the tools to prepare. If you’re ready for the complete framework, including a step-by-step workbook to guide you through your unique situation, download my free guide now.

And if you’d like dedicated, one-on-one support to create a breakthrough on your specific challenge, you can learn more about my Courageous Conversation coaching session.